Happy 1st Birthday

October 30, 2014

Dear Cullen,

Happy Birthday baby boy! It's your 1st birthday, one you are celebrating in the arms of Jesus, and what a celebration it must be in heaven!

It's hard to imagine a year without you... It's hard to believe this day has come. It's been one whole year since I held your tiny little hands, kissed your sweet cheeks, fussed with your blanket so it was perfectly wrapped around you and everyone could see your face... It's been one year since I have heard your little "coo", heard you hiccup, and watched you blow bubbles so unexpectedly... and I want you to know that I can still picture it just like it was yesterday. Your face is the first thing I picture when I wake up, what I carry with me throughout the day and the last thing I see when I close my eyes to sleep at night. You are our first child, and one who has made us so proud. From the day I first found out I was pregnant, I knew you were going to be special, but I truly had no idea just how special you would become.

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What a joy we were having a boy! Daddy was so proud and excited to have a son - we both were! We held hands and shed tears of joy in the ultrasound room, as we started to picture what our life would be like with you, our son, by our sides. But then as quickly as the smiles and laughter came, they were gone when we learned of your diagnosis. We couldn't believe what we heard... The only decision was to carry you full term and meet you, but we had no idea we would be as blessed as we were along our journey with you.

The remaining 21 weeks your were in my belly was the hardest, but the happiest time in my life. During a time of heartache and uncertainty, you gave us great joy and hearts so full of love. We wanted you to know how much we loved you each and every day and tried to make the most of every moment we had with you. Some of my favorite memories with you were winning fish at Dutch Days, sparklers on the Fourth of July, taking you to the movies, your daddy teaching you to fish on our boat and pappy teaching you how to hunt. I loved reading to you every night before bed; How Do I Love You? and your first Bible. You let me know you were there by your little (or big) kicks and moves; a truly amazing feeling.

The day you were born was a day filled with love and miracles. Holding you in my arms was surreal and all I could do was smile. My heart was bursting with joy. It was amazing to me to know that I was your mommy. God chose me to be your mommy. How did I get so lucky? You were so perfect, sweet as could be. I wanted to hit the pause button and stay in those moments forever with you. But God had other plans and took you home after 8 amazing hours with you.

My heart aches to have you here now and see the milestones you would be celebrating on your 1st birthday. My heart breaks that you're not here to sing happy birthday to again like we did the day you were born. My heart yearns to hold you again and kiss you and hug you. But we know that today, and everyday you are celebrating in Heaven.

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Today, your 1st birthday, Your daddy and I spent the day together today, remembering you and celebrating you. We visited with you and prayed. When we prayed, the sunlight intensified and shined so bright on our faces and got so hot... we knew it was you telling us you were with us and God telling us he heard our prayer. We both broke down and cried the hardest that we have since we last saw you.

We looked at pictures and watched videos of the day your were born, remembering so many special moments and blessings. You were so perfect. We read cards, filled your special vase with flowers, and got out your blue blanket and teddy.

Your grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins, all came to our house tonight to celebrate your birthday and be together. We all wrote messages to you on a big blue balloon and released it from a field on a hill behind our house.