Carrying Cullen

An experience that happened to me several weeks ago has stuck with me; hard to brush off, only because it happens so often that I think it's something everyone should be aware of before they do the same thing.

I was in a local food chain restaurant, going to sit down when a women walked up to me and very excitedly asked, "Aww!  When are you due?  How much longer?"  

I replied with a smile, "A couple of months yet."

She looked at me and then my belly and said loudly, "A couple of months?! Wow!  Are you having twins?  You look like you're about ready to pop!"

I nervously laughed and smiled....  because really, what do you say to that?

She proceeded to ask me, "Do you know if it's a boy or a girl?"

"It's a girl," I was proud to answer.

"Aw, is this your first, or do you have other children?" she continued asking.

"This is our second, but our first child, our son, passed away a few years ago."

Very quickly she was rendered speechless.  She turned, threw her food away, and walked out the door not saying another word to me.  

I couldn't quite figure out if she was embarrassed or if she wanted to cry.  Perhaps it was both.  Either way, I felt bad I unnerved her or upset her in someway, however, I must say I was very taken back with her exclamation of my basically looking 'huge'.   

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But my point and my simple request is this...

Before you look at a pregnant woman and exclaim to her that she looks like she's having twins or maybe that she looks like she's ready to pop, stop and think of the words that are coming out of your mouth.  Think about what she maybe has been through in previous pregnancies.  Think of how what you say may make her feel.  

When someone feels huge or feels like they look huge already, they don't need to hear it.  It's not funny, or cute, or appropriate to say something like that to anyone, let alone a woman who is expecting.  And maybe, just maybe, that woman has experienced infant loss, stillborn, miscarriage, infertility, or something else, and she's just thankful to be pregnant (and huge).  

I don't care how big I am out front, if I look like I'm having twins or gain 30 lbs.  As long as I have a healthy baby to bring home, that's all that matters to me.  I am thankful and blessed to have had the opportunity to carry a child again, and that she is healthy and whole.  I am thankful to have a husband who tells me I'm beautiful regardless and is just as excited and thankful for these things as I am.  

So next time you feel those words, "O my you <insert obsurd statement here>!", stop and remember just to say...

"Congratulations", "You look beautiful", "You're glowing", "God bless you and your baby" or anything sweet, encouraging or positive.  

To my Cullen,

It's your 2nd birthday.  It's hard to believe it has already been 2 years since the last time I held you in my arms. The greatest joy of my life was holding you and knowing God gave us such an amazing son.

I often think of how big you would be now; walking, talking, and learning.  

I wonder if you would be silly like your daddy or quieter like me.  Either way, I know you would be strong and loving, just as you were the short time you were with us.

I think of what your favorite things would be.  Would you like spaghetti, mashed potatoes, or cereal the most? 

Would orange, green or blue be your favorite color? 

Would you like  John Deere tractors, trucks, trains, or race cars more?    

I think of how independent you would probably want to be and the possible "terrible two" tantrums we would go through...

It hurts to think of all of those things we won't get to experience with you, but mommy knows that God had other plans for you.  He had plans for you to be in His arms for eternity so much sooner than most.  He had plans for you to impact the lives of so many around us in ways we could've never imagined.   

You changed our lives forever and you continue to make us proud each and everyday to be your mommy and daddy.  Your tiny little life, had a huge impact on us and so many others.

Daddy and I were together today celebrating and remembering you; everything you were and everything you are to us.  Your grandmas and pappy's, aunties, uncles and cousins joined us for supper and a small balloon celebration which I know you could see.  I like letting the balloons go and watching them rise to the heavens, reminding us always to look up and remember who has you in His hands.  We looked at pictures and reminisced about how cute and perfect you were...  

The longing to hold you in our arms again will never go away and it's hard for me to put into words just how much we miss you.  But we cling to the hope and promise that we will see you again some sweet day!

Happy Birthday sweet boy! 

Love, 
 

Mommy

How many of us forget to stop on a daily basis and thank the Lord for what he has given us?  How many of us go about our lives each and every day, not minding the Lord, but when we are stricken with grief or tragedy, then we turn to him?  How many out there only look to the Lord when in need, instead of remembering to give him thanksgiving every day for the love and blessings he bestows upon us?  How many of us remember to thank him for the trials and tribulations he presents us with, as well as the blessings?  I'm guessing, each and every one of us is guilty of these things.  I know I am.  

But I want the Lord to know that I am beyond thankful.... for His never-ending love, His grace, His strength and comfort, His guidance, and the many blessings He provides each and everyday, whether it be joyful or devastating. Each situation He provides us helps us grow in our faith and character.  If we trust in Him and His plan, then we know He knows what He's doing in molding and shaping us into the individuals and Christians He wants us to be.

Last Thanksgiving I was thankful for Cullen, our amazing baby boy who brought the greatest joy to our life; my husband who stood faithfully and strongly by my side through every step of the journey; our family who surrounded us and supported us through it all and showered Cullen with as much love as any family could possibly give; our church who fervently prayed for us, in the months, weeks, and days leading up to Cullen's birth, as well as long after; all of those who sent cards, as each one provided a bright spot in our days following his birth and passing; all of those who supported us financially during a difficult time to help afford Cullen's services and bills while I was off work; everyone who visited and cooked meals to help make things just a little bit easier for us during our time of emotional and physical healing; and for each blessing the Lord presented us with and the strength He gave to us each and every day.  

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This Thanksgiving, I am thankful for the situation we went through with our son.  I am thankful for the hardest thing I have ever had to face... losing my child.  Everyday I wish he was here so that I could hold him just a little longer or kiss his sweet face or see what new things he does as he grows bigger and older each day.  But that wasn't God's plan...  His plan was much different.  His plan taught me more about life, love and trusting in Him than I could have ever imagined.  And as strange as this may sound, I wouldn't wish it to happen any other way.  There is no doubt my heart aches daily, and I wish he was here, but there was a reason and a purpose for Cullen's life and the way things happened the way they did.  If things would have been different, we would have missed out, as well as our families and those surrounding us, on the blessings He brought to us through the situation and Cullen's life.  

I am thankful that we were able to grow deeper in our faith, closer to our family and friends, and to experience the greatest love a person can know through the most difficult journey we have ever faced.  God never said it would be easy, but He did promise that He would never leave us nor forsake us (Hebrews 13:5).

It's not easy to stop and be thankful for the hardships and trials or the losses and grief.  It's taken me some time to truly digest this thought and what it means, but it has given me a whole new perspective and understanding.  I pray this Thanksgiving I might continue to be thankful for even the most difficult of circumstances God puts before me and my life.  I pray I remember blessings come in all sizes, disguises, and may not always be what we pictured, but rather are part of God's greater plan.  

May we all remember to be thankful in every situation, celebration, trial or tribulation.    

Blessings to you and yours this Thanksgiving holiday. 

The leaves are vibrant colors and falling from the trees, pumpkins and mums dress up everyone's porches as you drive by, the smells of pumpkin and apple are everywhere, and the cool crisp air gives you a brisk feeling every morning you step out the door..... yes, it's fall.  It's October.  For us, it's Cullen's birthday month.  It's one year since our precious little boy came into this world and we got to meet him.  All of these familiar sights, smells and feelings bring back memories of just last year when we were preparing this month to meet our baby boy.  Fall and Christmas seasons are my favorite time of year, no doubt why God chose to grace us with our greatest blessing during this time.  

I'd be lying though if I didn't admit that my Bath and Body Works fragrance plug in, Harvest scent (a wonderful mixture of pumpkin, leaves, apples, and everything spice) brought on a little PTSD.  Smelling that wonderful, all too familiar smell walking from my closet into my bathroom, took me back to the morning Cullen was born, and a different day, to the day of his services...like it was happening all over again.  It was October 2013... it was November 2013.  I was there, I was in the moment, again.... deja vu, flashback...  PTSD was something I had never experienced, but I have since unplugged it, upon figuring out that was indeed what triggered it.

Helping us to get through this month though is the amazing support we have seen not only for our family but for the entire infant loss community.  October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, a month that we recognize the hardship, difficulty and life changing experience some families face through pregnancy and infant loss.  A month that helps support and lift up those families, as well as reach out to other families who are or may face the same thing in the future and help them choose life.

Many of you know how special The Smallest Gift is to Joe and I, as we had asked for donations to be made to them in lieu of flowers upon Cullen's passing.  The response was heart warming and left us speechless, as we learned that almost $5,000 in total had been donated to them in honor of our son.  We appreciated every single donation because we knew it helped fund an organization that will continue to reach out and touch more families as they go through the most difficult walk of their lifetime. It blessed our hearts because we knew it was a way Cullen would continue to touch lives.  

For those of you who don't know, The Smallest Gift is a local organization who helps provide support to families who face infant loss and help to be the voice for a subject many people do not want to talk about.  They reached out to us when we learned of Cullen's diagnosis providing us with a heartbeat animal to record his heartbeat to listen to forever, and upon his passing a beautiful blanket and a special heart, filled to the exact weight Cullen was when he was born.  They are special ways to remember our son and it meant so much to us to have someone reach out to us that knew exactly what we were going through.  

On Saturday, October 11 of this year, Joe and I were honored to be a part of and witness an amazing event hosted by a local church to help bring attention to and raise funds for The Smallest Gift Organization.  The turnout to the event was overwhelmingly wonderful.  It was a blessing for us to see how many people came to support the families in the infant loss community.  It touched our hearts that so many showed that they care and that they wanted to help The Smallest Gift continue its efforts in ministering, reaching out to, and supporting families who face such a difficult circumstance.  We had the opportunity to meet so many lovely families and individuals who have also lost a precious baby and shared our stories.  No one wants to be part of that group, but in a way it's comforting to know you are there for one another.  And we were so thankful to share our story and my blog that day on WJUN, our local country radio, as well.  What a special way to celebrate Cullen's birthday month, in remembering him and continuing to share him with the world.  All in all, the event raised $13,000 benefiting The Smallest Gift and their mission.  Mandy Maneval, Jeannette Gill, Brad Gill, and so many others put an amazing amount of time, energy, heart and soul into the event and I think it touched the hearts of countless people who came.           

On October 15, we it a candle for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day, to honor our sweet little Cullen and all of his precious little friends in heaven... Abigail, Aaron, McKinley, Xavier, Samson, Kail, Morgan, and the other little lives who have gone to be with Jesus.  We know many who have faced miscarriage, too, and did not get to hold their baby in their arms, but their sweet little babies still mattered and had a purpose in this life.  We will never forget any of these precious lives, as they will live on in our hearts, our minds, and our memories forever.  They have touched our lives in indescribable ways and changed our lives forever.  And what a hope we have, what a hope we are thankful for, that we WILL see our babies again someday!  Thank you to everyone who lit a candle in memory of Cullen or another precious baby.

Tomorrow (Cullen's original due date) we will have the honor to share in an awards ceremony, as Liz Schaeffer, one of our nurses from MFM, receives the Patient Choice Award from the Nightengale Board.  We nominated her for her incredible compassion and devotion to her patients, and shared the story of how she stood beside us through our journey with Cullen. She was chosen by the board for the award and we will have the opportunity to present her the award, share our nomination letter and also Cullen's life with a room full of people.  What an amazing (and emotional) evening it will be to share such a special moment with such a special nurse and friend.

So, no matter how difficult the day, no matter how difficult the month, God gives us just what we need at the right time. During a difficult time and month to relive, he has provided us with countless reasons to be thankful, to remember Cullen and continue to share his life and celebrate his life, as well as endless support and prayers from so many surrounding us.  Our God is so good.  And I think back to just this past Sunday at church when we listened to Jonathan Buckner and the Chosen Road sing, "I Have Been Blessed..."  The last part goes like this...

"He's my shoulder to lean on, when I am down,

The rock where he leads me, when I'm so overwhelmed

The place where he hides me, under his wings,

He's not just some song, He's the reason I sing...

Yes I have been blessed.

Yes I have been blessed,

God's so good to me.  

Precious are his thoughts of you and me.

No way I could count them,

There's not enough time.

So I'll just thank Him for being so kind. 

God has been good, so good... yes I have been blessed."

Leaning on the Lord to continue to help carry us through this October and journey of life.  And remembering Cullen, his birthday, and how blessed we are this month and each and every day.  Yes, I have been blessed.  

Amen.