I have wanted to blog since December, but the words and ability to put my thoughts and emotions "down on paper" have somewhat escaped me. Well, actually, attempting to articulate exactly how I'm navigating this roller coaster of emotions we're on, hasn't exactly been the easiest thing to do. But, I made a promise to myself that I would keep writing and help to provide hope to other women and families who may face the same or a similar journey as we continue to walk through every day. Stories from individuals hearing of our blog and reading it and passing it along has truly encouraged me and I hope many others, too. For those of you who have shared our blog with others, shared stories with me about others who have read it, and also for those of you who have encouraged me to continue to write, I just want to simply say, thank you.
The last two and a half years since Cullen made his brief appearance in this world have been both joyous, fulfilling, and blessed, yet some days lonely and challenging. The (mostly inner) emotional struggle of missing your precious child while still enjoying life and taking steps forward through the grieving process is one that is truly difficult to express in words most would easily comprehend.
Not a day goes by that Cullen's not on my heart or mind. Thoughts ranging from wondering what he would look like and act like, to the memories we made with him, to the things that he taught me in such a short time. So naturally thinking of trying for another baby can be slightly overwhelming. The thoughts of "will I forget about him", "are we ready for this", "what if we lose another child", all ran through my mind. But Joe and I chose to take our time and pray... and pray... and pray some more, trusting that the Lord would show us when He wanted to us to have another child and when He felt we were ready. It's not an easy thing to discern what God wants for you vs. what you want for you, But I truly believe he reveals it to you when you're in fervent prayer and looking and listening for him.
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September was a wonderful month spending time with our families at the beach and taking a trip out west to Wyoming. It was something we decided to do before we tried again for a family. We both felt like we were ready and the Lord was providing us the comfort and strength to try again. So come October, with a little bit of nerves, but more so a bigger peace than ever, we decided to try for a little brother or sister for Cullen.
It was an overwhelming blessing to learn on November 9th that I was pregnant with our second child. We both said we felt at that time that God was giving us a rainbow baby and wanted us to have a healthy, whole child. We knew that He was telling us that this was the right time for us to have another baby. Our hearts overflowed with joy and happiness and in a way, it started to bring more healing. Of course we held our breath though until the first ultrasound, and we were so thankful to walk away from the doctors office with a positive report.
Today I am 24 weeks and 4 days. So far we have walked through this pregnancy one day at a time, trusting in God and holding on to those very first thoughts we had in November. Each doctors appointment and every ultrasound puts us a little more at ease and provides a little more excitement. Just a few weeks ago, we learned that Cullen will have a little sister. It most certainly didn't matter to us boy or girl, as long as he or she was healthy, but in a way it's somewhat comforting having a girl. I feel like it will be different, and not seem quite the same as with Cullen. And I know that Cullen will be the best big brother and guardian angel, looking down from above, watching over his little sister everyday.
We will continue to take this pregnancy one step at a time, enjoying every moment we can preparing for this precious little girl to join our family. July will be here before we know it and we can't wait to hold her in our arms. We're thankful for our rainbow baby. We're thankful there is hope and healing. We're thankful we serve a merciful God who covers us with his grace everyday.